Preschool Pre-Feminism

A few weeks ago my husband and I gave our 2 year-old son his first kippah to wear to shul. I hadn’t anticipated the effect this would have on his almost 5 year-old sister. She clearly felt the usual sibling jealousy, but there was a deeper hurt there. She recognized the religious meaning behind this ritual item and looked quite sad and left out. I tried to act fast and think of something meaningful to give her as well. She had received a pretty silver necklace with her name in Hebrew from a friend in Israel when she was born and I had not yet given it to her. I quickly ran to get it and told her that she also had something special to wear to shul. I know what you are thinking – a necklace and a kippah – how can you compare the two?! But for her, the fact that it had Hebrew letters on it made it more than just an ordinary necklace, it was a “Jewish” thing too.

I don’t think this was an ideal answer, just one that I had to come up with on very short notice. But it made me realize that it was the beginning of a long list of questions which will probably come from her as she becomes more aware of the differences in what Orthodox girls and boys do. We try to empower our children and to be as equal as we possibly can. For instance, both my daughter and son say an abridged kiddush on Friday night, and we plan to educate them equally. When I read them Jewish children’s books, I always point out if the girls or women are depicted as staying at home while the fathers and sons go to shul, “In our family we all go to shul, right?” Recently, she came home from school saying that she made a pillow for the seder because the fathers recline. I told her to tell her morah (teacher) that in our family the Ima reclines as well! One final anecdote – we attended Shabbat morning groups in one community in which the group leader sang a Shabbat version of the “Wheels on the Bus.” One line went as follows, “The mommies in the shul go chatter, chatter, chatter…” I turned to my daughter and said, “Does your Ima chatter in shul or daven (pray)?” Thank God, she said her Ima davens!

While I am not advocating girls wearing kippot, I think it is important that we be more sensitive to our daughters’ education. If we want them to stay both modern and Orthodox, we need to strike the right balance in terms of empowering them while being respectful of halakha and community norms. Moreover, parents, schools and communities need to work together so that children don’t receive mixed messages. 

Comments

[shanna]

we attended Shabbat morning groups in one community in which the group leader sang a Shabbat version of the “Wheels on the Bus.” One line went as follows, “The mommies in the shul go chatter, chatter, chatter…”

I'm speechless.

[Zman Biur]

I'm speechless.

Then obviously you don't go to that shul!

[Miriam]

That's disgusting. Whether or not it's true, why would you put it in the song? We don't want to glorify talking in shul!

I'm a little less "modern" but we still make sure our girls feel valued... we took on the Lubavitch custom of having our daughters begin lighting a Shabbos candle at three because we also follow the custom of not cutting our sons' hair until age three, then having a party for it, presenting a kippah and such. We had a different kind of celebration around lighting a shabbos candle, mostly because it happens on erev Shabbos, which is not the time for a big party!

In our family (we live just outside the eruv) Mama and the babies don't go to shul on Shabbos, but you bet we go on Yontif! And not to socialize! (At least not during the service.) And any and all older kids who can behave in shul (girls and boys, we don't distinguish) are invited to go with Daddy.

Men and women all recline at our seder, and both parents bless the children Friday night. So maybe I'm more modern than I thought!

I will tell you that my second oldest is a girl, and the oldest is a boy... they are just 15 months apart. When we started reminding our oldest to wear his kippah (at three, for meals for starters, since it was so hard for him to get used to it) she would hear us and say, "oh, I need my hat!" and run and get her little pink beret. She wore a hat most of the time until she was about 5 and a half. Every one thought it was to be like Mama, but we knew it was because of her brother.

In general, I'm more interested in each child feeling valued and special than in comparing and finding their roles to be "equal" but I hope you find a way to achieve the balance you seek. Hatzlacha!